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Welcome to Cobra Island by Wordburglar

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#7

[Location: Cobra Island. The usual suspects are gathered around a stainless steel conference table, deep inside the Terror Drome. Cobra Commander stands before a giant screen featuring the Cobra snake-head logo.]

Cobra Commander:  I sssssssuppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here today.

Baroness [sotto voce]: Oh my God.

Destro:  Please, Commander. Share with us your latest plan for world domination. We’re all very excited to be a part of it, I’m sure.

CC:  Yessss, Dessssstro. You should be!  As I see it, we have only one option left to us to compete with the ridiculous banal corruption that is currently plaguing the upper echelons of American politics.

[He gestures to the giant monitor on the wall, calling up a Power Point presentation. The giant, gold-snake-cowled head of SERPENTOR appears. This is met with stunned silence. Then –]

Baroness:  I thought Serpentor was dead.

CC:  We have a few stray cells tucked away in a flask somewhere, don’t we, Dr. Mindbender? We should be able to whip up a new clone in a jiffy!

Baroness:  Never let it be said we don’t recycle here on Cobra Island.

Dr. Mindbender:  Yes, I mean, I could probably take a scraping off something or other, or find a hair—

Destro: Did Serpentor even have hair? I don’t think I ever saw him with the cowl off.

Zartan [his feet propped on the table, picking at the tip of an arrow he just happens to have with him]:  I’m sure I could find a blood sample somewhere.

CC:  If we ever have any hope of drawing the attention of the world back to our own devious machinations, we must take drastic action—

[Everyone is shaking their heads.]

CC:  What.

Baroness:  Commander. Be honest with yourself. Will this really get any attention? Given what we’re up against?

CC:  You haven’t seen the rest of the plan! [He clicks to the next slide.] Step one: Create a new Serpentor! Step two:  Create a reality TV show starring the new Serpentor! Step three….

[One hour later.]

CC:  Step twenty-four:   Kidnap Hector Ramirez and force him to review the memoirs written by the new Serpentor!  Step twenty-five…

Destro:  Wait. You want a clone that was just created this year to write memoirs?

Baroness:  Really, Destro, you’re just now raising questions? You should have gone out for coffee with the rest of us.

Zartan:  You still have the same problem.  None of this can compete with what’s already happening.

CC:  All right. Then let’s have a look at Plan B:  Ninjas!

[He clicks the next slide, revealing a picture of Storm Shadow.]

CC: Step 1: Contact Storm Shadow! Step 2: Disguise Storm Shadow as the Easter Bunny at the Traditional White House Easter Egg Hunt! Step 3…

[Baroness produces a flask that was somehow hidden in her skin-tight jumpsuit and stealthily passes it around the table.]

 

#6

[Time and Place: January, Second Women’s March in an undisclosed city. ]

[There’s a completely unassuming woman dressed in a completely nondescript outfit, wearing glasses and carrying a sign that reads “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.” She might be a librarian. You’d only know this was all a disguise if you knew what to look for.]

[Nearby, there’s a hipster-looking woman with a nose ring and spiked hair and leather jacket, carrying a sign with the anarchy symbol on one side and F*** T**** on the other. Except, you know, without the stars. You’d only know this was all a disguise if you knew what to look for.]

[The crowd shifts, the two women bump into each other by accident. Turns out, they both know what to look for.]

Lady Jaye:  Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean —

Zarana:  No worries, it’s crowded here —

[Recognizing each other, they both turn away quickly, stunned, and for a moment pretend not to have seen the other. Then –]

Lady Jaye:  I wouldn’t have expected to see you here.

Zarana:  Likewise.

Lady Jaye:  How could I not? Things have gotten so crazy. . .my mother and grandmother marched so I wouldn’t have to, and now here we are.

Zarana:  Right? I’ve got plenty of other fights I could be spending my time on.  But do you know what it’s like being the token female in the Dreadnoks?

Jaye:  Please say they don’t tell you to go make them a sandwich —

Zarana:  Every. Day.

Jaye:  That’s horrible. You know, you’re the real brains of that outfit.

Zarana:  Right?! Thank you! You’re lucky, you’ve always had Scarlett and Cover Girl watching out for you.

Jaye:  Aren’t they great? They’re so amazing–

Zarana:  They’re bitches. I mean that as a compliment of course.

Jaye:  Hey, bitches get stuff done.

Zarana:  Bitches get stuff done!

Jaye:   Have you noticed how none of the women in G.I. Joe get helmets? Only the men get helmets.

Zarana:  Whoa, I never noticed that before.

Jaye: It’s like, if we cover our hair people won’t know we’re girls? What’s up with that?

[The crowd picks up a chant. Lady Jaye and Zarana join in.]

Crowd:  HEY HEY! HO HO! FASCISM HAS GOT TO GO!

Jaye: It’s so weird hearing you say that.

Zarana:  Don’t tell anyone, but the entire Cobra organization is having an existential crisis right now. We started out as anarchists, dammit!

Jaye:  Well, I should get going. I’m not really supposed to be here.

Zarana:  Yeah, me neither.

Jaye:  But. You know.  [She points at her sign. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.]

Zarana:  Yeah, you too. Hey, do me a favor and say hello to Mainframe for me?

Jaye:  Wait what?

[But Zarana has already disappeared into the crowd.]

#5

[SCENE: Cobra Commander is at his desk computer, and quickly shuts down a game of Minesweeper when the doors slide open.  The Crimson Twins, Tomax and Xamot, enter.]

Cobra Commander:  Yessssss, what is it?

Tomax:  Cobra Commander we must inform you that we —

Xamot: — are resigning from Cobra.

CC:  What! Why?

Tomax:  It’s become clear to us that Cobra no longer offers the best opportunities for us to exercise our —

Xamot: — particular talents. So you see, we’ve submitted resumes to —

Tomax & Xamot:  The White House.

CC:  Well. I can hardly argue with that.

Xamot:  We expect another —

Tomax: — Cabinet position  —

Xamot: — or two —

Tomax: — or three —

Xamot:  — to open up soon.  We hope we can count on you —

Tomax: — to provide letters of recommendation?

CC:  One question.

Tomax & Xamot:  Yes?

CC:  Are you even American citizens?

Tomax:  What has that —

Xamot:  — got to do with anything?

CC: …..

CC:  Do you two have any idea how annoying it is to talk to you?

Tomax:  Of course–

Xamot:  –we do.

Tomax:  You don’t think this is —

Xamot & Tomax:  — an accident.

[The Twins laugh evilly, in unison.]

CC: ……

CC:  Of course I’ll write glowing recommendations for you.  I see you working in close proximity to the Oval Office.  Very close proximity, one hopes, with frequent opportunities to speak to its occupant. Bessssssssst of luck!

#4

[SCENE:  a dive bar outside a U.S. military base at a classified location.  General Hawk is slouched at a table in back, alone, a tall glass of Yo Joe Cola in front of him, which he occasionally spikes from a flask. He has a thousand-yard stare to nowhere. He’s seen things.]

[Destro walks in, looks around while his sight adjusts to the gloom. He sees Hawk, considers him, and seems almost sad. He goes to the table, sits across from him.]

Destro:  General, I —

General Hawk:  “I’d wake up and there’d be nothing.. .   When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I’m here a week now… waiting for a mission… getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter –”

Destro:  General Hawk!

Hawk  [starts awake and glares]:  What do you want?

Destro:  I came to see how you were getting along. You know, given the current state of things. Your life’s work made a mockery of by the man you’re ostensibly supposed to take orders from —

Hawk:  That’s right, laugh all you want. I’m sure this is hilarious to you.

Destro:  On the contrary, we’re at loose ends. We could sow chaos and destruction, but what’s the point? What’s there left to do?  And then I thought, you all have spent over thirty years battling Cobra, and now this.  One election, and you have fascists running the country and building camps —  [he leans in conspiratorially, whispers]  Tell me, have any of you considered something along the lines of, well, I’m sure the phrase “military coup” might be a bit strong —

[Hawk glares with a look somewhere between rage and despair. Destro has been at odds with this man a long time, and he’s never seen this expression on his face. No one has.]

Hawk:    44% of active-duty troops have a favorable view of. . . [visibly editing himself]  the current administration.  [citation below]

Destro:  I had no idea. That would mean roughly 44% of the G.I. Joe team —

Hawk: That’s right.

Destro: …

Destro:  Do you know who on the team —

Hawk [now seeming to be in physical pain]:  We have a don’t ask don’t tell policy.

Destro:  Oh. I see.

Hawk:  It’s fine. Really, it’s fine. It’s all going to be…just…fine.

[He breaks the glass with his bare hand, which is a neat trick because the glass is actually plastic. Jack-and-cola goes everywhere. Destro reaches for him, as if to comfort him.]

Destro:  General —

[“Take My Breath Away” starts playing on the jukebox. Time seems to slow. The two regard each other for a long moment.]

Destro:  May. . .may I buy you drink, Hawk?

Hawk:  No you may not.

Destro:  Right then, I’ll just be going now.

[record scratch]

 

Citation: https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2017/10/23/military-times-poll-what-you-really-think-about-trump/

#3

(The Baroness is out of uniform, lounging in a black terrycloth robe and drinking ouzo straight from the bottle while watching today’s news.)

Baroness:  My God. If only we had known it would be so easy. If only we had known.

(She gets out her phone, dials.)

Destro: Yes?

Baroness:  Am I a failure?  I worked so hard for so many years to undermine democracy. All the ridiculous Rube Goldberg schemes and disguises, the Machiavellian plotting, and then this. . .this thing comes along, and. . . I worked so hard, Destro darling, so hard, and now. . .was it all for nothing? WAS IT?

Destro: Baroness. Are you drunk?

Baroness: I may be a little drunk, yes.

Destro: I think you should have a glass of water and go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning.

Baroness:  Will they, Destro?  WILL THEY?!

Destro: ….

Baroness: Destro. Tell me I’m a terrible person.

Destro: You are a terrible person, Baroness.

Baroness: I’ve done terrible things.

Destro: You have, and you should be very proud of all the terrible things you’ve done.

Baroness: And I’m evil? The evilest person in the world?

Destro: …..

Baroness: Goddammit.

#2

(SCENE: A garage on Cobra island, with all kinds of tricked out vehicles in the background. The After School Special Music starts playing.)

Ripper:  Zartan, I. . .I need to talk to you.

Zartan: What is it, Ripper? What’s troubling you?

Ripper:  Guv — what’s all this talk about us being fascists?

Zartan: Cobra is a fascist organization. Cobra Commander is a fascist. Personally I like to think of myself as an anarchist, but we Dreadnoks work for fascists, take their money, and that pretty much makes us fascist too. Sorry, I thought you knew?

Ripper:  No!

Zartan: Yes, ‘fraid so.

Ripper: Now see here, me granddad flew a Spitfire at the Battle of Britain, what will he say, he finds out I’m a fascist!

Zartan: I suppose it depends, which way did he vote on Brexit?

Ripper:  That’s a low blow, guv.

Zartan:  Yes. Well. We’re the bad guys.

Ripper:  And we’re fascists?

Zartan:  You know what? Never mind.  Would you like to drive around and blow things up later today?

Ripper: Cor yeah, that sounds like fun!

Zartan: Excellent.